Pain is weakness leaving the body.

I'm realizing how much it sucks to have to really watch what I eat and make it a priority to work out every day.

I just hate how things were going really well and I was energized and feeling good and all that jazz. Then I made a few bad choices over this weekend and I'm left with a 4 day, bad eating streak that has left me appearing to be almost 4 pounds heavier this morning. Not to mention the fact that I'm already feeling mopey and sad because of PMS.

Combine all this with a few days of shopping with my sister and you end up with how I feel this morning: like a complete and total fatass who really has no hope that I'll EVER be thinner than I am now.

I also hate that when people who are close to me want to know what's wrong, I tell them, and then they instantly say something like, "But, I think you are looking really good and healthy!" But, I know how the clothes fit when I try them on. I know that my size is "fatass." I can see how much smaller my sister is than me. I can see these things. I'm not totally blind!

And then I wake up this morning and I feel so hungry that I literally feel a little sick. *sigh*

I know what I need to do. I know that I need to eat 1200 calories a day and workout. But, I get so hungry. At what point do I eat more? Do I just go as long as I can before I binge? Do I just suck it up and get used to it? Do I try to find some sort of appetite suppressant to help? What the fuck should I do?

Because I'm just really not where I want to be and I don't know if I'll ever get there.

Things were going really good, but I ran into my first (major?) stumble last night. I had a few glasses of wine and a beer while watching a football game. Before I knew it, I realized that I hadn't eaten dinner and I had been really craving just having a meal "off". (I've been incorporating "free" meals, where I don't have to pay attention to anything. I'm finding that having a few of these available has really helped me stay on track and I usually don't eat as much as I think I would.) And, I don't know why, but Taco Bell sounded so good last night.

So, I ended up with Taco Bell. I gorged myself. This is pretty disgusting to list out, but I had: a 20 ounce diet pepsi (ironic, isn't it?), a nachos bellgrande, a crunchy taco supreme, and a crunchwrap supreme (which I only ate about 3/4 of).

I guess there was a part of me that wanted to see what I was missing. Try to figure out what the allure had been for me for so long when I was turning to this crap on a routine basis. Honestly, I never want to eat it again. And I have NO FUCKING IDEA why I was ever interested in eating it.

And I know that my gut is going to seriously pay for it today. I can already hear the grumblings.

And surprisingly, even though I stuffed my face, my calorie total for yesterday really wasn't -that- bad. Not nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. I ended up with about 2600 calories, about 300 grams of carbs, 100 grams of fat, and only 70 grams of protein. However, I think it's pretty enlightening to actually see those numbers. It becomes very obvious that fast food isn't necessarily bad for you because of the calorie content. It's bad for you because of what the calories are made of; all carbs and fat.

So, I'm gulping water and had a good healthy breakfast with a nice balance of fiber and protein. I'm hoping that I feel a little more like myself by lunch time. :P

I also have absolutely no desire to EVER do that again....

Things are going really well still. Which is partly why I haven't been writing as much as I should. :)

I've easily been keeping to at, or under, 1500 calories a day and working out consistently. My calendar for the second half of September is full of "good day" stars and workouts. I am feeling thinner and healthier, too.

I also purchased a new battery for my digital scale and just in case (and because they were so cheap) I purchased a "back-up," plain 'ol spring scale. I put the battery in the digital scale on Saturday morning and it read 142.5, which I ecstaticly put into Sparkpeople as my official new weight. I then set my goal for Friday to be 140 pounds.

Well, low and behold, I got on the scale this morning and saw 139. Which seems remarkably low. So, I got on the spring scale to double check and got approximately the same answer (sometimes it's really hard to tell with the old scales, but I definitely at least saw 140). So, I'm really excited that I think I'm down to 140 now.

But, the thing that is very apparent to me, though, is that I've been 140 before and fit into smaller clothing. I know that it comes from the fact that I just do not have nearly as much muscle as I used to have at this weight. And I expect that at some point in the next couple of weeks, I'll see a DRASTIC decrease in my scale losses as my body begins to build muscle. Honestly, I'm okay with that. I just want to get back into my old clothes. :)

And it's a new month!!! I'm very very very excited for October. :)
Although, I'm still reeling that it's even here. I would like to tentatively make some October goals, but I can't really say that I'm that serious about really accomplishing them. But, here they are anyways:

1. 800 cardio minutes- I seem to slack on this one every time I make this goal, but I think this is doable.
2. At least 2 full body weight sessions a week.
3. Keep logging in daily to Sparkpeople and keeping calorie intake below 1500.

October will be difficult though because I already know that I am going to be out of town almost every weekend for extended weekends. But, when I'm gone, I can still run outside and eat healthy. So, there shouldn't be any excuses. However, I also know that my weekends are going to be filled with very strenuous activity as it is and that usually leaves me feeling pretty wiped out. So, we'll see. Either way, I should be able to keep slimming down during October. :)

Well, I've been slowly chugging along on my weightloss. It's weird how some days I'm completely excited and into this, and then other days I just want to say "Fuck it" and get ice cream. At this point, there's really no pattern to it, so it's even hard to predict when I'll have to actually work hard.

But, overall, things have been going well. I've been tracking my calories on SparkPeople and have been eating between 1300 and 1700 calories each day. It's nice to know that I have some flexibility with my range and I don't feel guilty when I eat a little more than the 1300. It's a nice change, so far.

However, I don't really feel like I'm really losing anything yet. Yeah, it's only been a week. I'm sure that if I keep up with it, I'll notice at least some progress by the end of the weekend. During the day, I do feel like I maybe have a little more energy.

But, I keep wishing that I had a scale because I really want to see some hard, solid numbers. And then I have to keep reminding myself that right now, I don't really care about what I weigh. I just really want to get back into my clothes. I want to be able to wear all the cute clothes that are sitting in my closet right now. What I weigh, just really DOES NOT matter. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel powerful and athletic.

And with that notion, I am heading to the gym. :)

Yes, I'm back. :)

I changed my mind on deleting this journal. Although, I doubt that I'll ever really write in it with the same frequency that I used to. But, I'm going to be focusing on using what was my "writing" time to workout or do things around my house. So, I'm hopeful that it's a positive change. :)

Needless to say, I'm feeling really good right now. I'm still a cow, but my life is really taking off. And, I'm really happy. So, even though I don't look how I want, I'm still ridiculously happy.

But, I have decided to crack down on myself and shape up for a formal event that I will be attending the first weekend in November. It's VERY important to me that I feel and look good for this event. Last year, I just starved myself for a couple of days before the event. Yeah, I "felt" thinner, but I don't really think it actually changed how I looked in my dress. This year, I figured that I'd at least give myself a fighting chance to really firm up and lose some actual weight.

So, I have 54 days to kick my ass into gear. That's almost 8 weeks. Theoretically, I could lose 16 pounds fairly easily in that amount of time. But, I'm shooting more for 10 or so. However, I've found that my scale is fucking worthless. I mean, just a piece of junk. I had replaced the battery thinking that would fix it, but it's already started giving me messed up numbers and I'm pretty sure that it's just done. I'm thinking I might go to the store and get an old school, spring one. Because, this digital one has just been a pain in my ass and was too expensive to just replace every couple of months.

However, I'm really not trying to actually lose weight. I just really want to feel happier and healthier and lose some inches. And really, losing inches is really what this is all about. I don't really care what my weight is anymore. I just want my clothes to fit properly. I also know when I'm eating right and getting enough exercise. I don't really need the scale to confirm it.

Anyways, I need to go now, but I'm going to try to post some updated measurements and more ramblings later. :)

It's been a long time since I've posted. I've made quite a few changes and am usually either feeling great, or feeling lousy.

First off, I canceled my WW membership. I just wasn't doing it. And I couldn't quite seem to get myself into it. I seemed to want to fight it at every turn. And I just don't have the money to pay for something that I've obviously not using. And when I was using it, I was not *really* following it. If anything, it made the starve/binge cycle worse because I'd eat a lot early in my week, and then starve myself for the day or two before weigh-in, so I wouldn't have to see any damage on the scale.

Secondly, I've been thinking about deleting this journal. I'm realizing that all of this is so self-destructive and negative. I recently watched "The Secret" and have begun to realize how negative I am to myself. And how much better I feel when I give myself a break. But, I'm also hesitant to delete this journal and then regret it. But, I obviously don't write very often. And most of the time, it's negative self-talk. Which, I'm just tired of.

I still want to lose weight though. But, I don't think that WW is the answer. I'm actually thinking of counting calories using Sparkpeople again. When I'm counting calories, I'm not nearly as hungry and can get a better idea of where my diet is lacking. Sparkpeople calculates how many carbs/fat/protein that I've had. And Sparkpeople is free.

So, that's really all I have to say. I still haven't decided if I'm going to delete this journal. But, I wouldn't be surprised if it's just not here one day.

To get my act together, a little, this last week.

The weekend was bad. I overate a LOT on both days (i.e. I definitely ate over my 35 weekly points), but I've been on-points since Monday. And I've gotten in a couple of good, hard workouts. I even worked out hard on Sunday, even though I ate over-points that day.

At this point, I'm feeling pretty darn good. I found out that my BF is back early from training so I'll see him sooner than I originally thought. Although, with everything being so expensive, neither of us really have the money necessary to fly to see each other. And that really sucks. But, what can you do?

I've had a recent surge in my motivation. I think it's mostly coming from the fact that I'm realizing that I don't have very much time before I see the BF again and I want to make sure that I look at least a little less fat.

It's also crazy how in just a few days, I start to fall into healthy eating routines that make eating on-points much easier. The first couple of days, I'm really fighting it. But, by day 4 or 5, it's a little easier. The hunger pangs aren't quite as noticeable and it seems easier to control what I eat. I haven't noticed any real weight changes yet and I've actually just completely given up on my scale. It seems incapable of giving decent, consistent readings for any length of time. It'll be fine for like a day or two, and then start giving me fucked up numbers. So, I'll reset it and in a short time, it's back to being fucked up. I wish I was confident enough to just put it in the closet. If I get into a good routine with many on-point days and lots of workouts, then maybe I'll put it away.

And really, I can't trust my scale anymore. The only reason that I ever get on it anymore is to try to track during the week if I'm losing anything.

Weigh-in is tomorrow morning. I'm confident that I lost something, but I doubt that it will be a 2 pound loss like what I'm hoping for. But, I ate way too much this weekend, plain and simple. I'm concerned because I haven't been really hungry like I usually am when I'm dropping weight.

But, I have to go to work now. :)

Wasn't great. In fact, it was really less than great.

And all morning I've been trying to think of decent excuses to not go to my meeting.

Although, I'm not terribly concerned about having a gain this week. In fact, I think if anything, I will have a small loss. Not because I really deserve it, but because I was at least somewhat careful about what I ate and I did work out. Even though I ate over-points.

It's just more that I know that I didn't do what I was supposed to do this last week. And that makes me feel guilty.

*sigh*
I need to get my act together...

So, I finally forced myself to go to a WW meeting last Saturday. Needless to say, I was NOT happy with what I saw on the scale. But, I was also not surprised either. The last time that I had weighed in was almost exactly 4 weeks ago. And in those 4 weeks, I managed to gain 4.4 pounds! A pound a week. Last time I checked, I was trying to go DOWN at least a pound a week. NOT up.

*sigh*
The only positive things that I can say about this are that some of that weight is bloat that will dissipate after a couple of days of healthy eating and that I'm better off nipping this in the butt now before I get back up to 157.

But, I'm back on track. I think.

Like I stated before, July's goals are pretty much fucked, as there really isn't a way to recover at this point. But, I can still finish the month out strong and ramp up for next month.

I just don't know why I'm fighting myself so much on this. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. So why am I doing everything possible to prevent myself from getting those things?

Also, I found out that my boyfriend might be coming home sooner than he originally thought. Which, I am happy about, but it makes me even more angry at myself because I really haven't lost any weight and I haven't toned up any since the last time that I saw him. And when he left, I promised him that I'd be back in shape so we could run and stuff together. But, I'm no where near ready for that. I still can't run over 17 minutes without stopping to walk. That's hardly where I wanted to be when I saw him next.

I went shopping this weekend and my fridge is stocked with healthy food. So, I'm ready to roll this next week.

And today, I WILL be going to the gym or going for a run.

So, yesterday kind of sucked. It was going great until the evening. Here's the totals:

Points consumed: 36
AP's earned: 2
AP's used: 2
Weekly used: 14

Exercise: full body weight session

Countdown for goals:
1. 800 minutes of cardio goal: 734 minutes left
2. 8 sessions of weights: 7 left
3. 16 days OP: 14 days left

*sigh*
My eating went way overboard. The weight session was great though, and I'm definitely feeling soreness in my ass, thighs, and upper body.

I just wish that I hadn't eaten so much last night. It was going great right until I had a beer. Then, I had another beer, and some cereal. Which would have been fine, if I had ended there. But, no, I had some ice cream pops (I found these GREAT Skinny Cow ice cream bars that have a little chocolate on them, 80 calories per bar and they actually taste really good). And then, I just really wanted to go to bed, but I couldn't because of all the fireworks and crap.

Because my dog was freaking out, I got up to pet him and tell him it was okay and whatnot, and found myself drinking another beer. At 11:30 at night. :P

And eating a few more ice cream pops.

I was really kind of stressed out from the fireworks and stuff last night though. The noise was just horrendous and for the first time in my life, I actually realized how much like a war-zone the noise really sounds like. It made me miserable.

So, I think a lot of the eating was stress-related. But, I'm planning on being on-points today and going for a run later tonight. I've had two days now where the exercise was great, but the food side sucked. I also know that I'm pretty much planning on eating whatever tomorrow, so the least that I can do is be on-points today.

I can do this...